Constipation & Menopause
Shit Doesn't Always Happen, Anymore
The Shit Nobody Talks About
Let’s get real: menopause doesn’t just mess with your hormones, your sleep, your mood, and your sex drive—it also screws up your gut. And while society loves to paint menopause as a cute little “change of life,” they never warn you about the moments you’ll find yourself on the toilet, crying because your hemorrhoids are staging a coup, and you feel like a beachball is trying to exit your ass.
Let’s get something straight: constipation is not exclusive to menopause. Hell no. Many of us have been battling the “no-go” life for years, whether from crappy diets, stress, medications, or other factors. Menopause just decided to take that bullshit and crank it up to eleven. So, if you’re over there Googling “why am I so full of shit?”—welcome to the club. Membership sucks, but at least we’ve got coffee.
If You’ve Ever Had These Thoughts… You’re Not Alone
Do I have to be in menopause to be constipated?
F**k no! Constipation is equal-opportunity misery. But menopause sure loves to up the ante.
Here are some other painfully relatable thoughts you might have had:
Why does it feel like my body forgot how to poop?
Is it normal to go five days without a bowel movement and then have one so massive I think I lost five pounds?
Should I be worried that I’m literally sweating while trying to push?
Why do fiber supplements make me fart like a balloon animal?
How much coffee is too much coffee when you’re desperate for relief?
What’s the least humiliating way to buy a suppository?
Is this what my life has come to—Googling “how to poop” at 3 a.m.?
Will this blockage eventually kill me, or am I just being dramatic?
What will they write on my death certificate after my ass blows out?
Why Are We So Backed Up?
Let’s break it down: constipation doesn’t just happen—it’s the culmination of a perfect storm of bad luck, bad habits, and biological chaos. Here’s a list of common culprits that make your gut stop cooperating:
Diet:
Low fiber, high processed foods, or too much cheese (don’t lie, you know you did it). GUILTY! Work in progress.Medications:
Painkillers, antidepressants, iron supplements, and some blood pressure meds are notorious for locking you up. GUILTY! by association. I am not giving up my "happy pills".Stress:
Your brain freaks out, and your gut follows suit. It’s like an internal shit strike. Somewhat GUILTY!Eating Disorders:
Years of messing with your food intake or laxative abuse can leave long-term effects. GUILTY! GUILTY! If only I would have believed what they said when I was younger.Dehydration:
If you’re not drinking water, your poop isn’t going anywhere. GUILTY! But getting better!Sedentary Lifestyle:
No movement = no movement. Super Frickin' GUILTY!Hormones:
Menopause, pregnancy, your period—it’s like your body finds new ways to screw you over every decade. GUILTY! Not by choice!Over-reliance on Laxatives:
They might work now, but overuse can make your bowels lazy AF. GUILTY!Gut Issues:
IBS, Crohn’s, celiac disease, or other medical conditions might be in the mix. The only one I am not guilty of, yet!Alcohol:
It dehydrates you and messes with your gut bacteria. Personally, I’m a fan of beer. If I know I’m going out, it’s like my body gets the memo and finally decides to clear house. And while it’s no secret that beer can dehydrate you, I can’t deny the “12 oz. (or pack) cleanse” it usually delivers the next day—aka the infamous Beer Shits!
When Hemorrhoids & Impaction Collide
So, here’s the shit (or lack of it): when your body decides to block the exit, and you’re left with hemorrhoids so angry they deserve their own protest signs, life feels... ruined. And if you’ve ever had that horrifying oh-my-god-I-might-actually-have-to-dig-this-out moment, welcome to the club. Membership is free, but the price is your dignity.
Real talk:
Hemorrhoids are the unwelcome guests of constipation. Think of them as angry balloons filled with regret.
When things get so impacted you’re contemplating a DIY excavation, that’s a sign your gut’s screaming for help.
Try These First
Suppositories: Yes, they’re awkward, but when you’re desperate, they’re miracle workers.
Stool softeners: A little lube for your tubes.
Hydration: Chug water like your life depends on it.
Fiber: Balance it right, or it’s a one-way ticket to Gas City.
Movement: A brisk walk can sometimes shake things loose.
Last Home Chance
Ah, the enema. The last resort before you’re dialing your doctor and saying, Hey, can you dig me out? Yes, you can use it on your own, and yes, it’s as awkward as a teenager buying condoms at the pharmacy. Bonus points if you run into someone you know.
Pro Tips for the Brave Enema Explorer:
Privacy is key: You’ll need alone time, so lock the door and prepare for battle.
Follow instructions: Don’t be a hero—read the box.
Patience: Give it time to work. It’s not an instant magic wand but more like a ticking time bomb.
Aftercare: Stay hydrated and maybe rethink that giant bowl of cheese you had last night.
Enemas might not be glamorous, but when you’re desperate to evict the beachball, they’re better than the alternative. Just remember, this is a tool—not a habit.
Already at Beachball Status?
Don’t panic, but don’t delay either. If at-home remedies don’t work, it’s time to call in reinforcements (yes, a doctor). Trust me, they’ve seen worse.
Then, there comes a point where your body officially waves the white flag, and no amount of water, fiber, or awkward squatting positions is going to save you. That’s when you enter DEFCON: Doctor Dig-Out territory. It’s humiliating, but you know what’s worse? Doing nothing and ending up in an ER with the words fecal impaction on your chart.
Time to Call in the Pros?
You haven’t pooped in days (and not the normal constipation kind—like, you could probably set up camp and still nothing).
Suppositories, enemas, and stool softeners all failed you.
You’re bloated, nauseous, and feel like your body might actually explode.
There’s pain that no amount of curse words can express.
What Happens at the Doctor’s Office?
Step 1: You tell them what’s going on. Yes, it’s awkward, but they’ve heard worse.
Step 2: They might use their gloved fingers to remove the blockage (yep, it’s manual).
Step 3: If that’s not enough, they’ll bring in tools like a rectal tube or irrigation system.
Step 4: You’ll be given a game plan to avoid this nightmare in the future.
Pro Tips for Surviving the Visit:
Remember: They’re professionals. Your poop is just another Tuesday to them. And, they have always seen worse!!!
Take deep breaths: Panic only makes things worse.
Ask questions: Get advice on prevention so you don’t end up back there in a month.
This isn’t fun or glamorous, but it’s necessary. And if you’ve reached this point, know you’re not alone. Just call the doc and handle your shit (literally).
**My thoughts: You’re not alone in this battle. That said, you might have to handle some things solo—LOL. Unless, of course, you’ve got one of those ride-or-die friends who’ll help you out of a certain shitty situation. No judgment here—they’re a keeper!
Remember, it might feel embarrassing or like something nobody talks about, but trust me, this is more common than you think. Hopefully, this helps you feel less alone. And from my experience, once you start the conversation, others will chime in. You’d be surprised how many people can relate—and the stories can lead to some hilarious (and oddly comforting) conversations. IMO.**